#ADULTING: We’ve got a growing up problem in America

I know hundreds of parents who have let their grown-adult child use heroin in their house. It’s not like they are sitting there encouraging them to get high, but they know it’s happening. They picked him up off the street, they answered the phone the first time he called. They are doing everything they can to rescue him, rather than letting him fend for himself and take responsibility for his actions. After all, he is only 25-years-old, he is not ready to face the real world yet!

At the core of our addiction problem in America is one major question that no one can seem to agree on: At what age do we become adults? When are grown-adults responsible for their actions? The number seems to be arbitrary in our society these days. But I can tell you, when I was growing up, it was 18. But nowadays it’s 23, 25… 32?

Parents these days want to be friends with their kids. And I just don’t get that. I love my kids unconditionally, but I don’t want to be their best friend. I loved my dad and respected him, but he was not my best friend. The problem is parents do a poor job of raising their kids, and they try to make up for it in adulthood. There is a large percentage of parents who failed to actually parent their children so when they become grown-adult-drug-addicts at 23, they all of sudden want to get involved. Whatever the motivator – guilt, fear, approval of others – it is just not ok and will never work.

And parents who are “involved” in their young kids’ lives are more often than not passing the blame of their child’s actions off on the school, friends, teachers, anything but their perfect child. They think, it’s not my kid’s fault that she said something unkind or he punched a girl, it’s the school’s fault.

Fast forward 20 years to when your kid is in rehab for drug addiction. Parents are calling and complaining their child got kicked out of rehab because the mean therapist didn’t like him. It’s not my child’s fault he got kicked out of rehab. It’s never the drug addict’s fault.

The idea that schools, teachers, rehabs, or therapists can fix your poor parenting is bullshit. Just accept the fact that your 25-year-old child is unemployable, addicted to drugs, antisocial, defiant, depressed, and threatens suicide as a weapon. You can’t just offer a quick fix now. You spent years contributing to the creation of this person so it will likely take years to untangle the mess.

Another thing we need to think about is how divorce contributes to the destruction of childhood. You’re believing a lie if you think divorce doesn’t actually play a role in your child’s life. Too many therapists tell parents considering divorce that it is more important that a child just know they are loved, than for their parents to remain together – that is a lie. You have to look at how poor functioning some of our young people are and think about what is contributing to that.

Growing up in the 70s, divorce wasn’t very common. If it happened, it was a difficult process. Nowadays, everyone gets divorced, then remarried, then divorced again. I am guilty of it. I know. But I have never once thought that it was harmless to my children. Divorce is destructive to children. Remarriage is too. It’s painful and harmful. Yet as a society, we have all decided it is totally okay.

I think we are blind to the reality that our actions as parents have a direct effect on our children’s lives, psyches and future. Are we really that broken at accepting hard truths and facts?

[clickToTweet tweet=”We are blind to the reality that our actions as parents have a direct effect on our children’s lives psyches & future” quote=”I think we are blind to the reality that our actions as parents have a direct effect on our children’s lives, psyches and future. Are we really that broken at accepting hard truths and facts? “]

We’ve got 23-year-olds calling mommy in the middle of the night to get them off the street. We’ve got 31-year-old college graduates living at home with their parents. We’ve got a growing-up problem in America.

Both sides are guilty. Liberals want to rescue as many as they can, and conservatives blame the government. We have gone from a generation of determined, hard-working baby boomers to millennials unable to make a decision and stuck in a state of expecting to be rescued.

I think it’s time we called a convention for everyone to come together to decide at what age adults are actually adults and responsible for their own actions. It’s time this generation of young adults realize that you get what you get and you don’t get upset. And Mommy and Daddy need to take a step back and stop rescuing their children every time they fall.

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